


Jack Cleans.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-07
Updated: 2012-11-07
Packaged: 2017-11-18 04:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another of my crack fics in which Jack behaves oddly. Readers of Jack cooks and Jack sings will know what to expect here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jack Cleans.

Ianto overslept one Monday and when he arrived at the Hub he was worried about the mess it would be in. Jack wasn't exactly the tidiest person on earth and Ianto liked everything to be tidy and in its rightful place. He was therefore prepared for a lot of cleaning and tidying. However, the first thing he saw when he arrived at last was Jack wearing an apron and carrying a duster in one hand and a spray can of floral air freshener in the other. As if this wasn't weird enough, Owen, Tosh and Gwen were actually sitting on their desks with their feet on their chairs. Even odder was the fact that they had bare feet and Jack was wearing fluffy, pink slippers.

"IANTO" shouted Jack, as Ianto approached him somewhat gingerly "YOU DIDN'T WIPE YOUR FEET!"

"I never do" Ianto responded truthfully "and neither does any one else".

"This place is a mess" Jack complained "and it stinks too. So I thought I'd clean it up a bit".

"Yes," said Owen from his desk top "Jack is cleaning everything." He then winked at Ianto. Ianto didn't understand the significance of the wink at all. So Jack was behaving oddly. That had happened before, after all.

"Get your filthy feet off my nice clean floor, Ianto" Jack moaned "I don't know how I'm expected to keep everything neat and clean and tidy with you stamping all over it with your outdoor shoes on. Where are your slippers?"

"I haven't any" said Ianto.

"You'll have to go barefoot then. I'm not having your great big dirty shoes on my nice clean floors."

Ianto sighed and obediently removed his shoes and socks. The floor was cold and he suddenly wished he had got slippers. Even pink furry ones. I'm going as crazy as Jack, he thought. Jack, seemingly unaware of his oddness, proceeded to flounce about the Hub, spraying air freshener around and dusting everything in sight. When he finally went off to clean the medical rooms Owen, Tosh and Gwen got off their desks and sat down on their chairs like normal people.

"What have you done to him this time?" Owen asked Ianto, glaring at the younger man.

"I haven't done anything" snapped Ianto "last night...er..well... the last time I saw him...he was perfectly normal".

Last night, in fact, Jack was his usual messy self. After Owen, Tosh and Gwen had gone home, or gone wherever they went when they left the Hub, Jack and Ianto had gone down to Jack's cramped quarters and had started the evening by eating pizza in bed, or, to be exact, on bed. Jack was a messy eater and he and Ianto had fed each other pizza which was not the neatest thing you could do with a pizza. They had then had a very long sex session. Jack had sucked Ianto, Ianto had sucked Jack. Then they'd had coffee, which Jack had spilled in the bed. After that they'd gone upstairs and Jack had fucked Ianto while Ianto leaned over Owen's desk. Jack had made it last as long as he could by stopping every time he got near to coming. Ianto had finally come all over some papers on Owen's desk, which was very satisfying. He always felt that ruining Owen's paperwork was one of the perks of his job. Jack had been perfectly normal when Ianto left early in the morning. He'd been asleep in fact.

"Something must have happened to him" said Gwen "he's never cleaned anything before, has he?"

"No" said Owen "but he's not just cleaning, he's wearing slippers and an apron."

"You'll have to examine him" said Ianto to Owen "you are the Doctor, after all".

"Surprisingly enough we never learned anything about immortal humans going on a cleaning jag at medical school" said Owen.

At that moment the immortal human in question arrived back in their midst, dragging a large, black sack behind him. "THE AMOUNT OF RUBBISH IN THIS PLACE IS UNBELIEVABLE!" he shouted "I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH CRAP IN ONE PLACE IN MY WHOLE LIFE!"

"What's in the sack?" Ianto asked.

"CRAP" Jack replied "IT'S LIKE A CESSPIT DOWN THERE!" They all watched as he disappeared, sack and all, out of sight.

"Owen, you have to do something" said Tosh.

"I suppose I'll have to try" Owen groaned "he's probably swallowed something alien, or got another allergy."

Jack soon arrived back minus the sack. No-one dared ask where he'd put it. They thought he might tell them, and they really didn't want to know. Owen took a deep breath and approached the question of a medical examination. Jack didn't like the idea. He said he was fitter than he'd ever been in his life. He then opened a closet and brought out a broom and started to sweep the floor. Owen, Tosh and Gwen were obliged to lift their feet up so he could sweep underneath them. Ianto went off to make coffee. It was safer to be away from Jack, he thought. Besides, he hoped that coffee might work a miracle and stop Jack cleaning.

When Ianto came back with the coffee he found Jack on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor with a large brush. Ianto admired Jack's butt as he scrubbed. It really is great he thought sentimentally, if only its owner wasn't scrubbing the floor things would be perfect.

Jack sat up holding the brush. He was panting and sweating. "I can't get this stain off" he moaned in a despairing tone.

Ianto bent down and looked for the stain. He could hardly see it, it was so faint. "It's hardly visible" he said "don't worry about it".

"But I AM worried about it" Jack sighed, going back to scrubbing again on the same spot "I can't get it out, this place is a mess and I can't seem to clean it up and no-one is being any help at all."

"I want to examine you" said Owen suddenly, in his firmest voice "and it isn't just you, I need to examine everyone."

Jack groaned and threw down the brush. "I'm fine" he said "I'm fit. I'm healthy. I'm fucking IMMORTAL FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD."

"You don't normally clean the floor" said Tosh "or anything else."

"So?" Jack moaned "I've turned over a new sheet or whatever the expression is."

"Leaf" said Ianto.

Jack looked around the Hub and groaned. "If there's a leaf here I didn't bring it in" he said.

"Have you swallowed any pills or something?" Owen asked, ignoring the leaf business as best as he could, which was difficult, because Jack was now crawling around the floor looking for leaves.

"Have some coffee" Ianto instructed "it'll make you feel better".

"I feel fine" Jack said from the floor, "I'm just worried about leaves."

"There are no leaves" said Ianto, trying to sound calm and normal.

Jack got up off the floor and sniffed his armpits. "I stink" he said.

"HAVE YOU SWALLOWED ANYTHING UNUSUAL?" Owen asked, very loudly.

"ONLY IANTO" Jack shouted back "BUT I'M ALWAYS DOING THAT."

Ianto flushed red. "He's not in his right mind" he said.

"AND THEN I ATE THAT BAG OF LIQUORISH YOU HAD HIDDEN IN YOUR DESK, GWEN" Jack continued, still shouting "IT WAS DISGUSTING."

"He's obviously allergic to liquorish" said Owen, "I can give him a jab that'll fix that. He'll have a sleep and wake up quite normal."

"I hate liquorish" said Ianto.

"So do I " Tosh replied.

"I ate the bag too" said Jack in a more normal voice.

"Perhaps he's allergic to that" said Gwen, "not the liquorish at all".

"Shut up about liquorish" said Owen "and get him downstairs. I'm not carrying him. He weighs a ton."

"Let's go downstairs, Jack" said Ianto in what he hoped was a persuasive voice.

Jack brightened up considerably at that. "AND FUCK" he shouted.

Ianto sighed heavily. "Yes" he said, hoping Jack would forget by the time they actually got downstairs. The trouble was he didn't. They got to Jack's quarters and Jack immediately grabbed Ianto and kissed him thoroughly. Ianto kissed him back and then managed to push him onto the bed. Jack sniffed the bedding and pulled a face. "This bed smells" he complained. He started to strip the bed. Luckily before he'd gotten very far Owen arrived and jabbed him in the butt with a needle. He yelled out and flopped onto the bed face down in a boneless heap. Owen and Ianto turned him over before he suffocated and left him to sleep it off.

It was some hours later that Owen, Tosh, Ianto and Gwen were disturbed by the sound of vomiting coming from beneath them. "Jack's back" said Owen. Ianto went to see how Jack was. Unsurprisingly, he was throwing up. On the floor. And on the bed. And on himself. It was black too. Liquorish, thought Ianto.

Jack finally stopped throwing up and glared at Ianto angrily."I'm throwing up black stuff" he complained "what was on that pizza we had last night?"

"It's liquorish" Ianto explained.

Jack looked amazed. "We ate a pizza covered in liquorish?" he gasped "I'll never understand the Welsh."

Ianto didn't bother to explain what had really happened. He just hoped Jack was back to normal. Jack got up and looked at his clothing and then looked around the room. "I'm going to take a shower" he said "and Ianto...."

"What?" said Ianto.

"Clean up this place. It's disgusting."

Ianto sighed and went to get his cleaning equipment. Things were obviously back to normal. 

 

THE END


End file.
